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Bertha Jorkins

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1/29/05 08:17 pm

So I didn't make any New Year's resolutions partly cos everybody knows you just break them anyway, and also I was really really hungover.


I was thinking and I thought that since I have my new look and all, that Rita Skeeter helped me do you know, maybe I should change a few more things too. So these are my new FEBRUARY resolutions and there resolutions that a person can actually bloody well keep.

So I'm going to:
Start smoking. I know in some circles it's considered terribly Muggle, but if it's good enough for Mary Anna Gatesy then it's good enough for me. I got a fancy little holder just like hers too and I feel like a film star. Well at least I will when I get the hang of it and can stop coughing all over the place.

Drink more. I mean as a 'social drinker' you know, that's the only way to do it. Everyone gets so much more friendly and you end up snogging people a lot more! I resolve to go to and host much more parties with much more alcohol, hahaha.

Spend more money. You know you can't take it with you!! My new indulgences are: liquor, haha, and getting my nails done.

Stop trying to organise. Ooh this one's nearly done already! I kept telling myself I should go through my desk at home and at work and sort out what's what and do nice little colour-coded folders and all, but then I thought, if anything in there was important I would be using it a lot right and it wouldn't be all lost in my desk right? So today I threw out practically everything in my desk at home, and that felt really good so I did my bookshelf too, and I'm going to do the same thing at work and everything will be all clean! It's so easy I don't know why everyone doesn't do it.

See my family less. Maybe if I stop visiting them they'll remember I EXIST. Or else they won't and I don't care either way.

So there's my resolutions, I think they're going to just be a smashing success!

12/20/04 01:02 am

I should have known better. Everything I touch turns to crap anyway.

12/16/04 06:51 pm

Well for once something went right for me. Yes I, Bertha Elisabeth Jorkins, my name was drawn for the WWN Christmas Gala! Well me and some other people, but I just have to get one more question right before I'm really in and you just watch, I will. I always get it right, I'm not half as stupid as people say I am, but my luck is crap so I never get picked. But I did get picked, and now I've just got to get to go! Ooh Rita I think I'm going to go back to Gladrags and get those emerald robes we saw, the green would be such a great colour for the gala. Christmas present to myself, hehe!

So everyone who isn't a giant GIT keep your fingers crossed for me. Everyone who's anyone is going to be at this Gala and I've just go to be there too!

12/7/04 11:13 pm

Friday was good because I was in the newspaper. But bad because Rabastan was an arsehole to me. (And I'll call you an arsehole if I want, if you don't want me to call you an arsehole don't act one!) But overall it was good.

Saturday was crap because it was my sister's birthday and Mum cried a lot. And she always makes carrot cake and I like chocolate cake better but she won't change it because 'it was her faaaavourite.' It's not like she's the one bloody eating it now is it? My parents can just be completely daft sometimes.

Sunday was brilliant because I was with Rita like all day and she made me beautiful.

And then yesterday was kind of crap again because you know, every time anything goes wrong around here I get blamed for it. How can I have had anything to do with some ashwinder eggs disappearing between place A and place B if all I do round here is fanny about with papers. God. You lose a folder or two of whatever it was back in like your first month at work and from then on it's 'Bertha must have done it, it must have been Bertha's fault!' And also Rabastan sent a pointless owl, but it was only pointless because you didn't say anything that meant anything.

And today was boring. And that's all.

12/1/04 04:15 pm

Look I'm blonde! Pretty great don't you think? Gilderoy helped me do it after work, he knows like a million potions and charms for that kind of thing. I've been wanting to do it for a while and now I have done and yay! haha.

And Rita I thought it would help me with my, you know, reconnaisance. Like no one knew me at the clubs but I was going kind of a lot and I wanted to write things down so I reckon some people started figuring me out, cause hardly nobody was talking to me. But I still managed to dig up a little something, (didja get my owls?) and I'm sure I'll only get more now that I have a new and improved disguise! Oh but I didn't do my hair for a disguise reason, I did it because blonde looks so good on other people and I wanted to try it too.

So there! What do you think? Rita? Glenda? Ev Rabastan?

11/20/04 04:31 pm

Well I think it's fantastic.

I just wish I could have been in it somehow, maybe not even my name but at least like "According to a Ministry insider..." or "As I was told by a raven-haired informant..." or well I'm crap at this but that sort of thing. Then everyone would know that I'm bloody good enough for the Daily Prophet. I've sent one of my copies to Mum and Dad and I bet they won't believe I helped if my name's not in it, and if they did believe they'd just say "Bertha must you be such a busybody? Can't you just leave well enough alone?" Bah I don't know why I bothered.

I ate three cupcakes to celebrate my first publication, and now I'm going to do my nails again and then I'm going to go out dancing at the Avery with Rita Skeeter herself. So you can all quit your moaning, I'm happy and I'm not going to let any bloody whinging rain on my parade. God.

11/15/04 06:05 pm

I don't like my job but I do like going to work.

Work has these things:
free tea and sometimes free biscuits
people, who are sometimes nice
people saying things about people, that are sometimes not nice

Home has these things:
broken telly
cow of a housemate
cow of a housemate's latest smelly Muggle boyfriend

So I liked going to work today because today was a free biscuit and people saying particularly interesting not nice things about particular people kind of day. Very interesting things, and very particular people. Ha. My favooourite.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was the kind of news item Rita Skeeter would write up, that is if she even knows about it. Fancy that, stupid old Bertha Jorkins knowing things that even Rita Skeeter don't. You can all say what you want but I'm not completely useless you know.

11/10/04 05:06 pm

Well since hardly anybody has bothered to ask, I'm Bertha Jorkins. Yes Jorkins like Bettina Jorkins, she was my sister and wasn't she just bloody fantastic. I work for Care and Regulation of Magical Creatures which believe me has become a much duller job now Gilderoy's out being important all the time. And it was dull enough to begin with.

I'm bored because our telly's broken and Angela, that's my roommate and a right cow she is too, she says I can't ring up the, whatsit, reparoman until I clear up the living room cos if he sees any magical bits n bobs lying about the Ministry's going to be cross. That's rich coming from her, she's brung in Muggle boys from clubs before and never hid a thing. But they were probably too drunk to notice anyhow. She's a real slag too, did I mention? I mean she gives me crap sometimes about not always doing the dishes right away but at least me and random boys aren't making noise all through the night and keeping our housemate up til all hours is all I'm saying.

There's really nothing to do when the telly's broken. I think I'll go see where Angela's hidden her new nail lacquer, it's this lovely metallicy peachy colour and she said I wasn't to use it and so now I am just to show her that's no way to treat your housemate. Bloody stingy cow.
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